[Thrawn gazes at Florian, more tired than anything, his hand settling over his other to stop the slight jittering motion. He debates whether he has the mental capacity to do this, but perhaps he can go for a little while before it becomes too much]
You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?
Re: text
You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?