Johann gets past Archer, noting that if looks could kill, but he's on a bit of a mission.
He stands in the doorway, not crossing the threshold, and waits for Florian to wake. "Take it off," he demands firmly. "I won't touch you, but take it off."
It hasn't been long enough for Florian to be in much of a better way about it but the pale glass of his eyes are shattered and the points are directed at Johann. Johann has never seen him so angry, except perhaps at the dinner party, when he'd given that speech, when he'd talked about the merchants from the other cities only coming when Elendhaven was weak, only showing up in hopes of getting something for themselves.
"You do not get to demand anything of me, Johann. Especially not now."
He'd never intended it to be a Demand with a capital D, some sort of uncrossable line that their relationship allowed. But he has to protect himself.
He hates that he has to protect himself from Johann, another shard of that glass falling and hitting home on the inside instead of without.
He finally steps forward and then slides to the ground on the side of the bed, wrapping long arms around angled knees. His back's to Florian, though only out of necessity. He will take those shards of glass through his own heart even more willingly than he would leniency.
"I didn't want to be stuck here for another two hours and not able to move," he mutters, like the explanation to a question not asked.
"I remember a lot of things," he finally answers, clarity coming from panic and grief and a bit of tequila.
He and Archer have discussed that Command, Demand, whatever the hell it is that he'd done. He has some context for what Johann is talking about now, and the fact that Johann hadn't told him is a fight for another day.
"You could simply have done, or not done, as I asked. The first time."
He coughs into his hand for a moment, waits out his lungs, and then gestures for Johann to say his piece.
"Alright," he says. It's hard being so wrong, being so obviously wrong, and his desire to lash out and argue is gone. Even about this. Even about the demand that still cuts him so sharply, like ice in his chest. He's dug himself a deep enough hole and he's finally figured out that he's going to need to just - stop.
He's never been in this situation before, where he's felt so disconnected from Florian. Even after his death.
"I wanted to help him. Two lives were inconsequential, I thought. He made it - seem simple."
Florian's fingers, lightly wrapped in blanket, curl closed.
"Did you think?"
He swallows, hard, and shifts carefully so as not to disturb the sweet circle of cat that is in his lap.
"I wish I could say that question is... genuine. And yet, your choice to keep me in the dark... says you did think. And you knew. That you were violating our agreement. Both to keep eyes off us. And to try and graduate. 'No random murders' we said.
"Gambling your ability... to help me. Protect me. As you so often claim is... important to you. But. Was worth nothing. To 'help' someone. So unimportant that... we have not even been... introduced."
His fingers tighten.
"Betrayal. Followed by abandonment. Simple enough?"
For once in his short life, Johann has nothing to say to that. He stares straight ahead, blank.
"Yes, Herr Leickenbloom," he mutters after that pause has crossed the expanse of the ocean. He had come in angry, but that's not his true feeling. He's not angry. He's lost. He has friends for the first time, a friend who understands, and wanted to help him but -
Florian's right. It was at the expense of him, of them.
It's difficult. He's barely able to wrap his mind around his own magic, let alone this strange thing that is and isn't him, is and isn't them. Eventually, he gives up on finding the magic itself to reverse it and simply looks for the barrier, the place where Johann cannot cross to touch him. Smashing it is no small act, and it startles the cat out of her sleep as the dry heaves hit him from the effort. But Johann will feel it, the shattering of the wall between them.
He won't maintain the barrier when Johann now knows why he's lost the right to touch him. He shouldn't have to waste his energy, or concern himself whatsoever, with something to maintain boundaries for Johann. Not when this weakness is Johann's fault.
Once he can-
"I will be... staying... with Herr Archer. Until I am... restored." He looks up at Johann. "You will... not be turned away."
But he will also not be requested.
Florian had made every effort in the world to understand him. And that was a betrayal too: to not be monster enough. To not be his proper other half.
He can feel that barrier break, and he makes no moves. He sucks in air, drowning in the poison sea.
Johann isn't going to leave him until Florian specifically requests it, or he's dragged out. He has to fight against the instinct that tells him he needs to run and hide and disappear because that's the easiest thing to fix right now. He's certain he will have some punishment for what he did, but Dorian didn't take anything. He's letting him ounish himself, which is what Johann intends on doing for a long time. He rests his chin on his knees, guilt and grief overwhelming any chance of boredom.
There is a very significant part of him, the part of him that held a dying sister, that put a howling mother out of misery, that lost and lost and lost that is terrified of losing the unloseable, that is so achingly lonely, that had built his strength on anger due to the lack of anything else and once he'd found Johann, once they'd accepted what one another were, had tried to build from that.
Because there is another part of him that just wants to die. To be dead. To end. To 'graduate' as this place requires and go straight to the bottom of the sea to let Halendrette grind up his bones to feed her hungry, malformed and doomed children. Florian has been drowning since he'd woken up alone, without Johann, and found out what had claimed his life. Since he heard that Johann's desire for a friend, need to have other people, had killed him.
Again.
"Try to figure out... how to have friends... without letting them... kill me... in the meantime."
Don't think he will ever forget your fascination with Kanya, Johann. Or forgive you when you made the mistake again.
Johann takes this as the punishment hit is. Blow after blow raining down on his head. He's not a submissive being, not in the slightest, but he hasn't ever, not once, had to stare at his fuck ups in the face.
When he launched himself into the water after Florian's first death, when he fell from the cliffs into her embrace and she rewarded him with boils and blisters and bloat but no death, he didn't face it.
He kept moving, kept walking.
So he ducks his head now and faces the onslaught with a sort of dreamy, passive time.
"I will."
He doesn't want friends if this is the inevitable price. If his own choices have led to this, then maybe his choices are wrong. Maybe he should go back to what things were. He was certainly more content that way.
Lay next to me and keep me warm since I cannot shake this terrible chill, he wants to say.
Kiss me and make me feel whole again when I have felt ripped in half, he wants to say.
He says none of these things.
"I... need to sleep. But the Command is... gone. I... will not-" and he coughs a few more times before he finds himself gripping the dresser to keep upright. Finally, he decides to repeat: "I... will not."
"I didn't tell you the first time because I didn't want to think about it," he mutters. "I thought it might not happen again if you kept not knowing. And, as far as commands go, I didn't mind it."
But that one, that particular one....
He hated that more than anything. It's not the first time Johann's barreled through Florian's protests, and he had no real reason to think he would try it again until just before.
He doesn't want to admit that he's a little afraid of him for it. Now that he knows, he can use it. Johann know he won't break that promise, but there are floods. There are other people. There is the off chance he will do it without knowing again and - Johann can't shake the fear, especially since he didn't immediately take it away once he knew.
But he doesn't have the sort of position necessary to voice that fear. He's not allowed to feel betrayed, so he doesn't.
He swallows to keep down the bile. Then he nods, slowly, so he doesn't topple over. His pride can only handle so much.
"I will... be here."
It's the most he can offer right now. He needs to heal. He needs to... figure out how he can trust again. Figure out how he can be weak in front of him ever again. Right now, it feels impossible.
The quiet is what eventually prompts Archer to check on them.
About twenty minutes after Florian has fallen asleep, Archer walks in with a cup of tea. He takes in the scene quietly for a moment before closing the gap between himself and Johann.
Johann's gaze flicks over to Archer when he walks in and, for a moment, he clenches his jaw, expecting to be thrown out. He scrubs at his face quickly, ensuring any remnants of salt are gone.
The tea comes, however, and Johann takes it silently, placing it by his side. He can't stomach anything after the amount of tequila he had with Dorian, and he's not feeling hospitable enough to pretend.
"I will help with his care while I'm here," he finally says, his voice soft. Almost monotone.
Archer absorbs this statement in silence. In fact, it seems as though he might not say anything at all.
Then-
“I betrayed my master, you know.”
A soft statement of fact and nothing else.
“Some time ago, before I ever came here - she had given me an order I couldn’t break, preventing me from carrying out the one wish I’d held for thousands of years. I thought she might change her mind, that she might release me - but then I realized she would not. To free myself from that binding, I made a deal with our mutual enemy right in front of her, to become that wicked woman’s Servant instead of staying true to the one who summoned me. I knew full well what I was doing, and I went through with it, anyway.”
He knows that he's trying to make parallels here, but Johann is too miserable for charity. Florian hates him, which is something he thought he'd never think about the other half of his heart.
"Ah yes. You know him better than I do," he mutters, mostly out of jealousy. Misplaced, of course, considering that it's his own damn fault he feels Florian doesn't want to be around him, but still present.
He shakes his head. "That's the only thing that matters now. Him."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He stands in the doorway, not crossing the threshold, and waits for Florian to wake. "Take it off," he demands firmly. "I won't touch you, but take it off."
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"You do not get to demand anything of me, Johann. Especially not now."
He'd never intended it to be a Demand with a capital D, some sort of uncrossable line that their relationship allowed. But he has to protect himself.
He hates that he has to protect himself from Johann, another shard of that glass falling and hitting home on the inside instead of without.
"Did you remember anything, perhaps?"
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"I didn't want to be stuck here for another two hours and not able to move," he mutters, like the explanation to a question not asked.
"I remember a lot of things," he finally answers, clarity coming from panic and grief and a bit of tequila.
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"You could simply have done, or not done, as I asked. The first time."
He coughs into his hand for a moment, waits out his lungs, and then gestures for Johann to say his piece.
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He's never been in this situation before, where he's felt so disconnected from Florian. Even after his death.
"I wanted to help him. Two lives were inconsequential, I thought. He made it - seem simple."
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"Did you think?"
He swallows, hard, and shifts carefully so as not to disturb the sweet circle of cat that is in his lap.
"I wish I could say that question is... genuine. And yet, your choice to keep me in the dark... says you did think. And you knew. That you were violating our agreement. Both to keep eyes off us. And to try and graduate. 'No random murders' we said.
"Gambling your ability... to help me. Protect me. As you so often claim is... important to you. But. Was worth nothing. To 'help' someone. So unimportant that... we have not even been... introduced."
His fingers tighten.
"Betrayal. Followed by abandonment. Simple enough?"
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"Yes, Herr Leickenbloom," he mutters after that pause has crossed the expanse of the ocean. He had come in angry, but that's not his true feeling. He's not angry. He's lost. He has friends for the first time, a friend who understands, and wanted to help him but -
Florian's right. It was at the expense of him, of them.
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He won't maintain the barrier when Johann now knows why he's lost the right to touch him. He shouldn't have to waste his energy, or concern himself whatsoever, with something to maintain boundaries for Johann. Not when this weakness is Johann's fault.
Once he can-
"I will be... staying... with Herr Archer. Until I am... restored." He looks up at Johann. "You will... not be turned away."
But he will also not be requested.
Florian had made every effort in the world to understand him. And that was a betrayal too: to not be monster enough. To not be his proper other half.
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He can feel that barrier break, and he makes no moves. He sucks in air, drowning in the poison sea.
Johann isn't going to leave him until Florian specifically requests it, or he's dragged out. He has to fight against the instinct that tells him he needs to run and hide and disappear because that's the easiest thing to fix right now. He's certain he will have some punishment for what he did, but Dorian didn't take anything. He's letting him ounish himself, which is what Johann intends on doing for a long time. He rests his chin on his knees, guilt and grief overwhelming any chance of boredom.
cw suicidal ideation
Because there is another part of him that just wants to die. To be dead. To end. To 'graduate' as this place requires and go straight to the bottom of the sea to let Halendrette grind up his bones to feed her hungry, malformed and doomed children. Florian has been drowning since he'd woken up alone, without Johann, and found out what had claimed his life. Since he heard that Johann's desire for a friend, need to have other people, had killed him.
Again.
"Try to figure out... how to have friends... without letting them... kill me... in the meantime."
Don't think he will ever forget your fascination with Kanya, Johann. Or forgive you when you made the mistake again.
Re: cw suicidal ideation
When he launched himself into the water after Florian's first death, when he fell from the cliffs into her embrace and she rewarded him with boils and blisters and bloat but no death, he didn't face it.
He kept moving, kept walking.
So he ducks his head now and faces the onslaught with a sort of dreamy, passive time.
"I will."
He doesn't want friends if this is the inevitable price. If his own choices have led to this, then maybe his choices are wrong. Maybe he should go back to what things were. He was certainly more content that way.
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Lay next to me and keep me warm since I cannot shake this terrible chill, he wants to say.
Kiss me and make me feel whole again when I have felt ripped in half, he wants to say.
He says none of these things.
"I... need to sleep. But the Command is... gone. I... will not-" and he coughs a few more times before he finds himself gripping the dresser to keep upright. Finally, he decides to repeat: "I... will not."
Use it again. Now that he knows.
He shouldn't fucking have to.
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But that one, that particular one....
He hated that more than anything. It's not the first time Johann's barreled through Florian's protests, and he had no real reason to think he would try it again until just before.
He doesn't want to admit that he's a little afraid of him for it. Now that he knows, he can use it. Johann know he won't break that promise, but there are floods. There are other people. There is the off chance he will do it without knowing again and - Johann can't shake the fear, especially since he didn't immediately take it away once he knew.
But he doesn't have the sort of position necessary to voice that fear. He's not allowed to feel betrayed, so he doesn't.
"I'll let you rest."
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"I will... be here."
It's the most he can offer right now. He needs to heal. He needs to... figure out how he can trust again. Figure out how he can be weak in front of him ever again. Right now, it feels impossible.
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He doesn't turn to him, but he will sit there until someone male's him leave.
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About twenty minutes after Florian has fallen asleep, Archer walks in with a cup of tea. He takes in the scene quietly for a moment before closing the gap between himself and Johann.
Wordlessly, Archer offers him the tea.
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The tea comes, however, and Johann takes it silently, placing it by his side. He can't stomach anything after the amount of tequila he had with Dorian, and he's not feeling hospitable enough to pretend.
"I will help with his care while I'm here," he finally says, his voice soft. Almost monotone.
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Then-
“I betrayed my master, you know.”
A soft statement of fact and nothing else.
“Some time ago, before I ever came here - she had given me an order I couldn’t break, preventing me from carrying out the one wish I’d held for thousands of years. I thought she might change her mind, that she might release me - but then I realized she would not. To free myself from that binding, I made a deal with our mutual enemy right in front of her, to become that wicked woman’s Servant instead of staying true to the one who summoned me. I knew full well what I was doing, and I went through with it, anyway.”
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It was a dick move on Archer's part, but from what little he knows of the man, it's one that makes sense.
Petty.
"Did she ever forgive you?"
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“When it first happened, she told me she would take me back and make me beg for forgiveness.”
Sound familiar?
“In the end…I believe she understood why I did it. And even offered to contract with me again, in spite of my transgression.”
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"You did it for a good reason. I was stupid."
He knows that he's trying to make parallels here, but Johann is too miserable for charity. Florian hates him, which is something he thought he'd never think about the other half of his heart.
Johann is quite certain he's ruined everything.
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Betrayal. Heartache. All of those emotions that are so difficult to manage.
“It will take time to rebuild trust. However- it can be done.”
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He shakes his head. "That's the only thing that matters now. Him."
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Don’t be such a fucking baby, Johann. You’re not the only one with relationship problems.
“Unless he wants you to leave, I’m not going to tell you to.”
(no subject)