[An eyebrow raise at 'brutally honest', but Thrawn nods]
Very well.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea that a species can transform into another species - or subspecies, as you said. Chiss are humanoid - it is believed we split off from humans as well. I have experienced apprehension around you and other vampires here, once it was clear to me that your genetic code had been rewritten and your diet summarily changed.
I have taken these last few weeks to research vampires. Everything I found has disturbed me. I could not take these concerns to you, because I did not know if you are compromised. Some sources indicate vampirism is a disease that rewrites the brain, where the affected will do or say anything to bring their prey closer. Others indicate that vampires will see other sentient species as beneath them - animals, or food only. Your recent talk of needing to get along with humans if only to protect your food source was also concerning.
You appear genuine. But so did many before you. I have been manipulated by others more clever with their words - each time led to massive loss of life.
I do not fear loss. Loss is a part of life and death, and a warrior has to know both before he makes the decision to pick up his weapon.
But I fear being irrevocably changed. I understand why you would wish to remain a vampire; I fear that if I am bitten, either accidentally or through an unforeseen attack, then I too will not wish to be changed back. I fear returning to my people in my changed state. I fear becoming one of the Grysk.
I look at you and I see no heartbeat, no heat signature. You appear like a walking corpse. It is difficult to see you and not see some creature manipulating your yet-to-decay body about. That is what I mean by parasitic.
That a species can transform into another species is not a fact which is my fault or even the fault of vampires on the whole: it is a fact that exists. To some degree, it exists in every species, as evolution is a scientific fact such that the creature birthed by one generation may be different to the next, albeit to a lesser degree. I realize that having that done so dramatically and quickly, and one member of a species turned from one being to another is disturbing and distressing as something you are unfamiliar with, but for me, that change was not as terrifying because I am familiar with such transformations via folklore within my own world and vampires whom I have associated with and with whom I am comfortable.
[ He does give Thrawn a very flat look. ]
I mentioned the point of food sources because you boiled things down to scientific essentials: parasites, prey creatures and predator creatures, etcetera. Even in the most uncharitable understanding of the relationship, ignoring who I am and who I have always been, that is the case, and given that you by your own telling do not trust that I am whom I have always been, I offered it as a practical and reasonable argument and not one which I personally believe or a framework I believe in on a personal level.
[ He rubs at his temple. ]
Thrawn, if I didn't respect you and your autonomy, do you think that this discussion would be difficult? As difficult as it is? [ A slight eyeroll. He's not trying to be flippant. This isn't pleasant. He's doing a steam release.] And your concerns regarding vampires seeing others as beneath them is somewhat rich coming from yourself and some of the political opinions held by your people regarding other species.
[ He shakes his head. ]
But I don't. I have seen what happens when one subspecies or species treats another as less than. I was the result of that treatment, the anger and the destruction I caused the result of that treatment. I will not perpetrate it again, on anyone.
[ A breath out. ]
Your research was difficult because different worlds have different vampires. It is also difficult as they are fictional in many universes. And even in those universes where they are not fictional, as in, they are made up and characterized for the creation of a story, they are often vilified for a variety of reasons. Many species of vampire can drink animal blood. Many species of vampire can feed and do as little harm to the source of their food as a blood donation would.
[ He runs a hand through his hair. ]
As for myself, no one has mentioned to me a difference in my behavior. No one has noticed anything other than that I am no longer in pain and that my sleep schedule has changed. But both my former warden, a being who could kill me easily in case of danger, and my roommate, a self-professed vampire slayer within his own world, have seen no warning signs they've mentioned to me. You are welcome to talk to either of them, however, as they have both known me for as long as anyone else here and are intimately familiar with vampires. They may be able to provide you the assurance that I, potentially compromised, cannot.
Baring that, you are welcome to contact Iris Wildthyme, my adopted aunt, or Sweeney, my adopted brother. Neither of them are fond of vampires as a rule, frankly, so their judgement should be somewhat neutral. Blitzø and I are in a relationship and have continued throughout my change; you can also consult with him.
I do. Which is why I am... hurt, more than I am angry. I would never ask you to put my emotional health over your safety. Or anyone's, for that matter.
[ He looks up to Thrawn. ]
I care for you. And greatly respect you. To lose that esteem for my biology was ... unpleasant, and brought to mind the cause of my own initial death in many ways, as well as other tragedies of my past. [Misunderstandings about mages had killed his entire family, after all. ] This is not a burden I expect you to bear, mind, but if you have wondered at the extremity of my response, it has little to do with being a vampire and much more to do with the depth of loss I felt as such.
My intelligence does not erase my... damage. And I have tried my best not to divorce my emotions from our dealings, as that is... dishonest, in my estimation.
I too had not realized that your reaction was entirely predictable based on your file. An oversight.
Let me be clear that I would not have reacted as such for any species. Someone who can transmit their intentions on another’s will always spark my own ire.
[he looks remarkably calmer now, even a bit amused]
I admit I have not heard that metaphor of my being your patient. Is that how you envision our relationship?
[ The power to supersede another's will is something he's had since he was 12, something he's used to survive. It is an ability he's always known to be careful with and one he'd only felt justified in using against enemies. He doesn't have any enemies here. ]
A teacher is hardly given a file. But a doctor? Always. It shapes the form of treatment and provides context for symptoms. The metaphor is hardly precise but it is the closest to the process I've found.
[ Especially since, in his estimation, so many here require healing in places they hadn't even recognized was damaged. ]
I do not feel ill or incomplete. Only anxious to return to help my people.
And yet I have made many connections here. I posed my initial request to solidify a friendship.
I admit I felt resentment. I am not seeking to isolate, ever. I have experienced isolation. Perhaps not to the depths of your own, but enough to know I would not willingly choose it.
My concern is never that you are seeking to delay your progress or even to intentionally isolate. I know better. Please understand that when I point things out to you, it is with the understanding that you are, at all times, seeking to be productive.
[A small sigh.]
It is that the means which you have found and learned over the years which have served you have disadvantages that you have lived with so long that you may not fully understand that they are changeable factors.
[ He looks to Thrawn. ]
When I speak of your isolation, I speak not of physical isolation or pointedly avoiding people. Instead, I am talking about your unwillingness to allow people past a certain depth of emotional penetration. Or...
[ He can't find the words to talk about this and decides, instead, to be direct. He keeps his tone gentle. ]
When you saw me, nearly dead, broken and insensate... what did you feel?
What you are speaking of is…very un-Chiss-like. My people thrive off of exploiting emotions. Even the smallest child learns to guard themselves carefully.
[his eyes go a bit hard at the memory. Not at Florian, but at the feeling of it]
I was not aware yet that the Admiral could collect us and resurrect his wardens once again. So I believed, erroneously, that those would be the last moments of your life.
I believe you are the best person to assist me in graduation. Had you permanently died, I would have been adrift; cast back into the pool of unclaimed inmates and having to start over with someone less discrete, understanding, or intelligent.
[ He is about 96% sure that is not the whole of it but he can recognize that Thrawn clearly believes that is all of it. ]
Now, you mentioned your people's protocols around utilizing emotions. While I would not ask the mechanisms, I am curious to know if there is an emotional hygiene regimen that is taught to assist in such 'control'?
That all sounds very much like it was training to hide emotions, not to process them in a healthy manner individually. Or am I missing something in what you've said.
You may ask any manner of delicate questions. You are my warden.
I can say honestly that I do not know. Further, I believe I may be a…frustrating example of my species.
Other Chiss I have met do not have the difficulties I do when it comes to emotional regulation. But I believe we in the navy share a commonality in deciding that emotions are best kept in check until able to look after them at a later date.
…I understand that this is not the answer you were looking for. But I have known from an early age that I experience the world differently from my peers.
You may or may not be surprised to know that I also experience it differently from my peers.
And I have never insisted that you wrestle with your emotions in moments of crisis. But that 'later date' has arrived, Thrawn. Your time here is the reckoning that you have postponed.
And I am mentioning this because it seems to me that you were not given the tools to properly regulate and process your emotional life and that that should be first and foremost in our process to help accelerate the rest of our work.
Were you under the impression that wardens check in with the Admiral in regards to their diagnostic decisions or do you think I am singularly in need of additional supervision for some reason?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Very well.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea that a species can transform into another species - or subspecies, as you said. Chiss are humanoid - it is believed we split off from humans as well. I have experienced apprehension around you and other vampires here, once it was clear to me that your genetic code had been rewritten and your diet summarily changed.
I have taken these last few weeks to research vampires. Everything I found has disturbed me. I could not take these concerns to you, because I did not know if you are compromised. Some sources indicate vampirism is a disease that rewrites the brain, where the affected will do or say anything to bring their prey closer. Others indicate that vampires will see other sentient species as beneath them - animals, or food only. Your recent talk of needing to get along with humans if only to protect your food source was also concerning.
You appear genuine. But so did many before you. I have been manipulated by others more clever with their words - each time led to massive loss of life.
I do not fear loss. Loss is a part of life and death, and a warrior has to know both before he makes the decision to pick up his weapon.
But I fear being irrevocably changed. I understand why you would wish to remain a vampire; I fear that if I am bitten, either accidentally or through an unforeseen attack, then I too will not wish to be changed back. I fear returning to my people in my changed state. I fear becoming one of the Grysk.
I look at you and I see no heartbeat, no heat signature. You appear like a walking corpse. It is difficult to see you and not see some creature manipulating your yet-to-decay body about. That is what I mean by parasitic.
How certain are you that you are you?
no subject
[ He does give Thrawn a very flat look. ]
I mentioned the point of food sources because you boiled things down to scientific essentials: parasites, prey creatures and predator creatures, etcetera. Even in the most uncharitable understanding of the relationship, ignoring who I am and who I have always been, that is the case, and given that you by your own telling do not trust that I am whom I have always been, I offered it as a practical and reasonable argument and not one which I personally believe or a framework I believe in on a personal level.
[ He rubs at his temple. ]
Thrawn, if I didn't respect you and your autonomy, do you think that this discussion would be difficult? As difficult as it is? [ A slight eyeroll. He's not trying to be flippant. This isn't pleasant. He's doing a steam release.] And your concerns regarding vampires seeing others as beneath them is somewhat rich coming from yourself and some of the political opinions held by your people regarding other species.
[ He shakes his head. ]
But I don't. I have seen what happens when one subspecies or species treats another as less than. I was the result of that treatment, the anger and the destruction I caused the result of that treatment. I will not perpetrate it again, on anyone.
[ A breath out. ]
Your research was difficult because different worlds have different vampires. It is also difficult as they are fictional in many universes. And even in those universes where they are not fictional, as in, they are made up and characterized for the creation of a story, they are often vilified for a variety of reasons. Many species of vampire can drink animal blood. Many species of vampire can feed and do as little harm to the source of their food as a blood donation would.
[ He runs a hand through his hair. ]
As for myself, no one has mentioned to me a difference in my behavior. No one has noticed anything other than that I am no longer in pain and that my sleep schedule has changed. But both my former warden, a being who could kill me easily in case of danger, and my roommate, a self-professed vampire slayer within his own world, have seen no warning signs they've mentioned to me. You are welcome to talk to either of them, however, as they have both known me for as long as anyone else here and are intimately familiar with vampires. They may be able to provide you the assurance that I, potentially compromised, cannot.
Baring that, you are welcome to contact Iris Wildthyme, my adopted aunt, or Sweeney, my adopted brother. Neither of them are fond of vampires as a rule, frankly, so their judgement should be somewhat neutral. Blitzø and I are in a relationship and have continued throughout my change; you can also consult with him.
no subject
But you understand why I had to check myself rather than with you.
I am biased. I apologize that you have felt the brunt of my excessive cautiousness, even paranoia. You are not the first.
I have misjudged and mistreated you, Florian.
no subject
[ He looks up to Thrawn. ]
I care for you. And greatly respect you. To lose that esteem for my biology was ... unpleasant, and brought to mind the cause of my own initial death in many ways, as well as other tragedies of my past. [Misunderstandings about mages had killed his entire family, after all. ] This is not a burden I expect you to bear, mind, but if you have wondered at the extremity of my response, it has little to do with being a vampire and much more to do with the depth of loss I felt as such.
My intelligence does not erase my... damage. And I have tried my best not to divorce my emotions from our dealings, as that is... dishonest, in my estimation.
no subject
Let me be clear that I would not have reacted as such for any species. Someone who can transmit their intentions on another’s will always spark my own ire.
[he looks remarkably calmer now, even a bit amused]
I admit I have not heard that metaphor of my being your patient. Is that how you envision our relationship?
no subject
A teacher is hardly given a file. But a doctor? Always. It shapes the form of treatment and provides context for symptoms. The metaphor is hardly precise but it is the closest to the process I've found.
[ Especially since, in his estimation, so many here require healing in places they hadn't even recognized was damaged. ]
no subject
I do not feel ill or incomplete. Only anxious to return to help my people.
And yet I have made many connections here. I posed my initial request to solidify a friendship.
I admit I felt resentment. I am not seeking to isolate, ever. I have experienced isolation. Perhaps not to the depths of your own, but enough to know I would not willingly choose it.
no subject
His tone is fond.]
My concern is never that you are seeking to delay your progress or even to intentionally isolate. I know better. Please understand that when I point things out to you, it is with the understanding that you are, at all times, seeking to be productive.
[A small sigh.]
It is that the means which you have found and learned over the years which have served you have disadvantages that you have lived with so long that you may not fully understand that they are changeable factors.
[ He looks to Thrawn. ]
When I speak of your isolation, I speak not of physical isolation or pointedly avoiding people. Instead, I am talking about your unwillingness to allow people past a certain depth of emotional penetration. Or...
[ He can't find the words to talk about this and decides, instead, to be direct. He keeps his tone gentle. ]
When you saw me, nearly dead, broken and insensate... what did you feel?
no subject
[his eyes go a bit hard at the memory. Not at Florian, but at the feeling of it]
Terror.
no subject
And why is that?
...I'm making no assumptions. I would prefer to hear from you.
no subject
no subject
And when you saw me again, changed?
no subject
no subject
[ A pause. ]
The terror. The confusion. The relief and trepidation.
Why did my fate prompt such things?
no subject
no subject
Now, you mentioned your people's protocols around utilizing emotions. While I would not ask the mechanisms, I am curious to know if there is an emotional hygiene regimen that is taught to assist in such 'control'?
no subject
Presumably there were more regimens when resources allowed for it.
[not a lot of emotional bandwidth while growing up on a literal ice berg]
no subject
no subject
My birth family was not given to processing our emotions.
no subject
no subject
I can say honestly that I do not know. Further, I believe I may be a…frustrating example of my species.
Other Chiss I have met do not have the difficulties I do when it comes to emotional regulation. But I believe we in the navy share a commonality in deciding that emotions are best kept in check until able to look after them at a later date.
…I understand that this is not the answer you were looking for. But I have known from an early age that I experience the world differently from my peers.
no subject
And I have never insisted that you wrestle with your emotions in moments of crisis. But that 'later date' has arrived, Thrawn. Your time here is the reckoning that you have postponed.
And I am mentioning this because it seems to me that you were not given the tools to properly regulate and process your emotional life and that that should be first and foremost in our process to help accelerate the rest of our work.
no subject
Is this what the Admiral thinks as well?
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
lots of triggers in here: child death, plague, body horror, suicidal ideation
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)