You have assigned me a task with a penalty attached to it. I have no desire to experience that penalty. Therefore I will take the first option and my opinion ends there.
My answer is that I will obey you and Doctor Sheehan. I will work to be a consummate inmate and patient and give you no reason to enact further punishment.
[The last few weeks have seen Thrawn barely move from his cabin/office. He ventures out to take late night showers, to eat, to clock in at Maintenance, and then return.
He is in his office now when Florian comes searching]
[Normally prompt with answering - especially given the proximity alarm his door is equipped with - Thrawn does not answer in his usual speediness.
When he does, it's only because the proximity alert needed to chime twice to shake him from his thoughts. He rises, walking to the door on autopilot, and opens it to his warden.
His eyes are dull and muted, face wan and a paler blue than usual. There is a thinness in his frame where his clothing doesn't quite fit. Whatever sharp intelligence is quieted now, in place of a more anesthetized version. He doesn't move to admit Florian inside, speaking to him from the doorway]
I will not be of much use in a conversation at this time.
[ Florian will walk in and start looking around, use his nose to investigate the scents, his ears to check Thrawn's vitals. After a long moment, he'll take a seat.]
Nothing I insisted upon was intended as a punishment. I did it because I saw my previous paths only leading to stagnation and I hoped that the new path would provide you the tools you needed.
[Thrawn’s office tends to be its usual immaculate condition. He, however, has the faint aroma of the inmate shower’s soap on him, having repeatedly taken long showers for the desire to feel some external stimuli. His heart is beating erratically, though it’s debatable whether he notices: his breathing remains the same.
He returns to his own seat, settling hands on knees. There’s a slight jitter due to cutting coffee from his diet.
He watches Florian with a tired, unfocused gaze, propping his head up with a fist.]
Doing so without your proper, informed, and discussed agreement is not something that I enjoyed nor was it something I would have done had I not seen the situation spiraling into something that would be difficult to wrangle back under control had I not. Orders are not how I wish to proceed, nor are they what I believe to be conducive to this or really almost any relationship outside of strictly military matters.
[ He breathes out. ]
I will not say something so 'asinine' as 'you gave me no choice' because all of the choice was mine. However, what I will say is that you have consistently acted in a way that takes away viable alternatives and makes pursuing the paths I would prefer, in partnership and mutual agreement, impossible at current. And I say so having tried to pursue them as such for months on end and with numerous attempts.
Whatever frustration or disrespect or disregard I have no doubt made you feel, I will assure you that your actions have done the same to me well before now, and that is not an excuse for my choices. Only information I do not believe you had.
I come to you now because it is obvious that the current course is detrimental to your mental health and another course must be found. I will not cure the disease by killing the patient. In pursuit of that path, I would like your earnest feedback in whatever form you can provide it, even if it is so inelegant as shaking hands or a wordless scream.
I will repeat again that there is no wrong answer and that at no point and in no way do I wish or intend to punish you. If it has felt like a punishment, that is not something which I can control, only react to.
[Thrawn gazes at Florian, more tired than anything, his hand settling over his other to stop the slight jittering motion. He debates whether he has the mental capacity to do this, but perhaps he can go for a little while before it becomes too much]
You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?
I did not use the word 'stupid' for a reason, Thrawn. Nor do I think you are.
[ He breathes out. And he hates going through each one, but for Thrawn, he will. ]
You acknowledge your capacity to overstep and overplan, but every time that you acknowledge it, you proceed to follow the same path again doing the same thing, making your acknowledgement both frustrating and seemingly ungenuine. I do not believe you lack the capacity to consider the emotional portions of these decisions, only that you have never been asked to do so. Instead, you had either your sister to assist you with this or those who were assigned to the same task. I acknowledge that this is not a natural intelligence to you, but it is also not something which cannot be learned to some degree and that learning is something that you have, to my mind, actively avoided.
'Ruined lives' is not words that I used, and for good reason, because they are overdramatic and inaccurate. 'Broken hearts' include Aerith and myself, and I used those words to indicate an extreme emotional pain caused by your choices. I asked you to report to Doctor Sheehan as he is the only actual doctor of psychology on this ship, and while his experience is with the criminally insane, that is merely a subsection of such studies, just as a cardiologist may perform all manner of medical proceedures despite having a specialization in the study of the heart and pulminary system.
I never, at any point, asked you not to speak to your friends, nor to not speak to Aerith and I don't know why you chose to do so. Avoidance does not heal relationships nor the hurt to individuals. Turnover on this ship is a difficulty for all, but I realize that it is especially difficult for you, but it is somewhat presumptuous to believe it is centered on or focused on you; it is how things have gone and how they will continue to go once you have graduated, fortunately or unfortunately. I also did not use the word 'atrocity' and the use of such is overdramatic and inaccurate both in scale and definition.
What you asked for was a simple answer and the fact of the matter is that there is not a simple answer that I can give you that will serve you properly, which is both why I began to guide you towards the answer and why I asked for Doctor Sheehan's help in potentially giving you a greater vocabulary, more tools, and someone who is not directly responsible for you to speak to as I have seen you grow more and more closed off and unwilling to actually work with me as our time together has progressed.
I have told you that your attempts to control your situation are counter to your graduation and that you should focus on self-understanding and self-examination and that this will lead to your graduation. While I have not spoken to Doctor Sheehan, I can guess that what he said was something along the lines of 'if you're trying to hard to graduate, you won't' somewhat akin to 'you are missing the forest for the trees' in that your drive to graduate will make you so singularly focused that you won't actually pay attention to the root causes of your situation and what changes you will make will be superficial and surface level as opposed to addressing the true reason.
You are inside a trap of your own making, unfortunately, and you are there because you are holding onto a deep and abiding fear that you have centered your entire life on and the very idea of shifting, of letting go of this fear, is more terrifying than the fear itself because to even question the validity of that fear is to question the validity of your entire life, your purpose, and everything that you value in yourself and your choices, and more importantly, it potentially (to your mind) endangers that which is most important to you. And it is through the lens of that need, the requirement to hold onto it, that all of your options appear to lead you in circles.
A man with one leg shackled can go in all manner of directions but he can also only go so far.
...Evidently there are no wrong answers. Merely overdramatic and inaccurate ones.
I am not presuming anything of that nature. I merely point it out to illustrate that I am not attempting to place any burden on you, specifically. I understand the nature of this ship and its cyclical ways of losing and gaining passengers, but I was ill prepared for it and felt the need to emotionally withdraw to save further heartache.
I like this ship. I feel the people here are strange but good, and kind, in ways that I wish to protect, even to the point of overstepping and causing harm in another way. These last few weeks have been challenging because I am wrestling with the choice of overstepping or stagnating. I did not wish to break further hearts. Or in your more accurate words, cause extreme emotional pain.
[a grim smile]
The validity of my purpose is, regretfully, being revisited many times this week.
Correct: something can be overdramatic and inaccurate without being wrong because 'wrong' implies that it is incorrect while overdramatic implies that it is overblown but not, actually, incorrect and inaccurate also allows for being within a certain range but not precise enough to provide clarity, but again, not inherently incorrect.
[ Gentler. ]
I would like to point out that your unhappiness is, with or without your intention, my concern and a burden on me because your well being is important to me. Not just your progress or your physical well being, but your happiness and wellness. And I want more than anything to help you in protecting this ship and all that you see to be good and worth protecting.
[ Head tilt. ]
Do you feel comfortable sharing regarding the last?
A clarification first: your usefulness is only of concern as it relates to your happiness, in the sense that I know you need to feel useful to be happy. My aspirations are not a part of my concern for your happiness, or only as much as the two naturally flow into one another. My concern for your happiness and well being is independent of that concern. It is purely a desire for your happiness and well being because you are someone I greatly care for and am glad to have gotten to meet and work with. In short: I am happy that you exist and it is my desire, independent of our working relationship, that that existence be one that gives you satisfaction and which you enjoy.
[ Moving on. ]
I would ask you to share what you mean by "the validity of my purpose is, regretfully, being revisited many times this week" specifically, if you are comfortable.
[he gazes at Florian and does not say it back. Instead Thrawn hums, and tells him one of the many secrets about the Chiss.
This is his way of saying he cares, too, for Florian. Enough to trust him with knowledge that could get Thrawn killed]
My people are...insular. That which has stood for five thousand years does not give way to change easily. I may be the only one who can save them from the enemy most either are ignorant of or deny exists.
When I was exiled, I met privately with our top military leadership. I was given a mission to seek out allies in this upcoming fight for our survival. They prepared me and moved me to a place where I would have a good chance of a patrol from such an ally stumbling on me, and used my tactical advantages to move up the ranks.
This was, of course, conditional. The new Empire I serve is cruel and its leadership does not care about the average foot soldier, let alone the average citizen. I had opportunity to escape back to my people, perhaps even with a few choice allies towards the end of it. Instead I opted to continue to fight battles, hoping the war could wait. Hoping that I could win more support, more ships, or perhaps it was ego after all. Perhaps I enjoyed the lack of restraint and caution in a place with little care for oversight; I found freedom in a dictatorship.
I have cause to worry that with my death, I have failed both those under my command in the Empire, and the Chiss Ascendancy as a whole.
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I do not think. I will abide and obey.
Have I done something else that needs correction?
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All the things I've asked and you pretend I don't want to hear.
I never thought you cruel. So now I have to figure out if you mean to be cruel or somehow can't add two and two to make four.
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When you decide, please inform me so I know which to apologize for.
[he hangs up]
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He is in his office now when Florian comes searching]
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When he does, it's only because the proximity alert needed to chime twice to shake him from his thoughts. He rises, walking to the door on autopilot, and opens it to his warden.
His eyes are dull and muted, face wan and a paler blue than usual. There is a thinness in his frame where his clothing doesn't quite fit. Whatever sharp intelligence is quieted now, in place of a more anesthetized version. He doesn't move to admit Florian inside, speaking to him from the doorway]
I will not be of much use in a conversation at this time.
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You have no need to be of "use", Thrawn. May I come in?
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Nothing I insisted upon was intended as a punishment. I did it because I saw my previous paths only leading to stagnation and I hoped that the new path would provide you the tools you needed.
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He returns to his own seat, settling hands on knees. There’s a slight jitter due to cutting coffee from his diet.
He watches Florian with a tired, unfocused gaze, propping his head up with a fist.]
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Doing so without your proper, informed, and discussed agreement is not something that I enjoyed nor was it something I would have done had I not seen the situation spiraling into something that would be difficult to wrangle back under control had I not. Orders are not how I wish to proceed, nor are they what I believe to be conducive to this or really almost any relationship outside of strictly military matters.
[ He breathes out. ]
I will not say something so 'asinine' as 'you gave me no choice' because all of the choice was mine. However, what I will say is that you have consistently acted in a way that takes away viable alternatives and makes pursuing the paths I would prefer, in partnership and mutual agreement, impossible at current. And I say so having tried to pursue them as such for months on end and with numerous attempts.
Whatever frustration or disrespect or disregard I have no doubt made you feel, I will assure you that your actions have done the same to me well before now, and that is not an excuse for my choices. Only information I do not believe you had.
I come to you now because it is obvious that the current course is detrimental to your mental health and another course must be found. I will not cure the disease by killing the patient. In pursuit of that path, I would like your earnest feedback in whatever form you can provide it, even if it is so inelegant as shaking hands or a wordless scream.
I will repeat again that there is no wrong answer and that at no point and in no way do I wish or intend to punish you. If it has felt like a punishment, that is not something which I can control, only react to.
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You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?
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[ He breathes out. And he hates going through each one, but for Thrawn, he will. ]
You acknowledge your capacity to overstep and overplan, but every time that you acknowledge it, you proceed to follow the same path again doing the same thing, making your acknowledgement both frustrating and seemingly ungenuine. I do not believe you lack the capacity to consider the emotional portions of these decisions, only that you have never been asked to do so. Instead, you had either your sister to assist you with this or those who were assigned to the same task. I acknowledge that this is not a natural intelligence to you, but it is also not something which cannot be learned to some degree and that learning is something that you have, to my mind, actively avoided.
'Ruined lives' is not words that I used, and for good reason, because they are overdramatic and inaccurate. 'Broken hearts' include Aerith and myself, and I used those words to indicate an extreme emotional pain caused by your choices. I asked you to report to Doctor Sheehan as he is the only actual doctor of psychology on this ship, and while his experience is with the criminally insane, that is merely a subsection of such studies, just as a cardiologist may perform all manner of medical proceedures despite having a specialization in the study of the heart and pulminary system.
I never, at any point, asked you not to speak to your friends, nor to not speak to Aerith and I don't know why you chose to do so. Avoidance does not heal relationships nor the hurt to individuals. Turnover on this ship is a difficulty for all, but I realize that it is especially difficult for you, but it is somewhat presumptuous to believe it is centered on or focused on you; it is how things have gone and how they will continue to go once you have graduated, fortunately or unfortunately. I also did not use the word 'atrocity' and the use of such is overdramatic and inaccurate both in scale and definition.
What you asked for was a simple answer and the fact of the matter is that there is not a simple answer that I can give you that will serve you properly, which is both why I began to guide you towards the answer and why I asked for Doctor Sheehan's help in potentially giving you a greater vocabulary, more tools, and someone who is not directly responsible for you to speak to as I have seen you grow more and more closed off and unwilling to actually work with me as our time together has progressed.
I have told you that your attempts to control your situation are counter to your graduation and that you should focus on self-understanding and self-examination and that this will lead to your graduation. While I have not spoken to Doctor Sheehan, I can guess that what he said was something along the lines of 'if you're trying to hard to graduate, you won't' somewhat akin to 'you are missing the forest for the trees' in that your drive to graduate will make you so singularly focused that you won't actually pay attention to the root causes of your situation and what changes you will make will be superficial and surface level as opposed to addressing the true reason.
You are inside a trap of your own making, unfortunately, and you are there because you are holding onto a deep and abiding fear that you have centered your entire life on and the very idea of shifting, of letting go of this fear, is more terrifying than the fear itself because to even question the validity of that fear is to question the validity of your entire life, your purpose, and everything that you value in yourself and your choices, and more importantly, it potentially (to your mind) endangers that which is most important to you. And it is through the lens of that need, the requirement to hold onto it, that all of your options appear to lead you in circles.
A man with one leg shackled can go in all manner of directions but he can also only go so far.
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...Evidently there are no wrong answers. Merely overdramatic and inaccurate ones.
I am not presuming anything of that nature. I merely point it out to illustrate that I am not attempting to place any burden on you, specifically. I understand the nature of this ship and its cyclical ways of losing and gaining passengers, but I was ill prepared for it and felt the need to emotionally withdraw to save further heartache.
I like this ship. I feel the people here are strange but good, and kind, in ways that I wish to protect, even to the point of overstepping and causing harm in another way. These last few weeks have been challenging because I am wrestling with the choice of overstepping or stagnating. I did not wish to break further hearts. Or in your more accurate words, cause extreme emotional pain.
[a grim smile]
The validity of my purpose is, regretfully, being revisited many times this week.
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[ Gentler. ]
I would like to point out that your unhappiness is, with or without your intention, my concern and a burden on me because your well being is important to me. Not just your progress or your physical well being, but your happiness and wellness. And I want more than anything to help you in protecting this ship and all that you see to be good and worth protecting.
[ Head tilt. ]
Do you feel comfortable sharing regarding the last?
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Thank you, Florian.
[a slow blink back]
As you have tied your aspirations to mine, and because I understand that my happiness will naturally follow my usefulness...Very well. Yes.
What do you wish me to share?
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A clarification first: your usefulness is only of concern as it relates to your happiness, in the sense that I know you need to feel useful to be happy. My aspirations are not a part of my concern for your happiness, or only as much as the two naturally flow into one another. My concern for your happiness and well being is independent of that concern. It is purely a desire for your happiness and well being because you are someone I greatly care for and am glad to have gotten to meet and work with. In short: I am happy that you exist and it is my desire, independent of our working relationship, that that existence be one that gives you satisfaction and which you enjoy.
[ Moving on. ]
I would ask you to share what you mean by "the validity of my purpose is, regretfully, being revisited many times this week" specifically, if you are comfortable.
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This is his way of saying he cares, too, for Florian. Enough to trust him with knowledge that could get Thrawn killed]
My people are...insular. That which has stood for five thousand years does not give way to change easily. I may be the only one who can save them from the enemy most either are ignorant of or deny exists.
When I was exiled, I met privately with our top military leadership. I was given a mission to seek out allies in this upcoming fight for our survival. They prepared me and moved me to a place where I would have a good chance of a patrol from such an ally stumbling on me, and used my tactical advantages to move up the ranks.
This was, of course, conditional. The new Empire I serve is cruel and its leadership does not care about the average foot soldier, let alone the average citizen. I had opportunity to escape back to my people, perhaps even with a few choice allies towards the end of it. Instead I opted to continue to fight battles, hoping the war could wait. Hoping that I could win more support, more ships, or perhaps it was ego after all. Perhaps I enjoyed the lack of restraint and caution in a place with little care for oversight; I found freedom in a dictatorship.
I have cause to worry that with my death, I have failed both those under my command in the Empire, and the Chiss Ascendancy as a whole.
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