There are a number of incorrect pieces of information in your assertion, even beyond the pieces which are biased opinion.
[ And oh, it is only a lifetime of loathing people privately that is keeping his tone and his face neutral. It's all he can do not to curl his spine, make himself look small and defenseless so he can jab a knife in their throat.
Instead, his tone is instructional. Lifeless, but neutral. ]
I have never been human. My parents were human but held the capacity to produce a member of the subspecies which is a more accurate title. 'Humans' cannot burn the inside out of a human body with nothing but a touch. 'Humans' cannot see creatures that exist on different levels of reality than our own. While our biology and physiology are similar, there is a portion of my brain that allows me to see and manipulate energy that a human cannot. It is this portion of the brain, found within the cognitive centers, which is destroyed by those in my world as an option other than execution.
I have shifted from one type of subspecies of human to another subspecies of human. Even then, I still retain my ability to manipulate energy accordingly and so it might be more accurate to place me as a third subspecies or a hybrid subspecies.
As for my 'desire to change back', I consider my shift in subspecies to have no bearing on my values, allegiances, or loyalties for both practical and logical reasons. The first being that as mentioned, I am a rare or hybrid species: if my loyalties existed purely on the basis of species, I would have no one to be loyal to. Second, there is no overwhelming cause or need to which being a mage or being a vampire can or should change the prioritization of my choices as these groups are not in outright conflict either superficially or in regards to resources, goals, or desires.
To a mage, other humans are just as vital in necessity as other humans are to a human. The same can be said of vampires, and it should be noted that human beings can and have subsisted on other human beings at various times in history either due to necessity or due to certain ritual practices. From a practical standpoint, a vampire's goal is the health and well being of humanity because that is their foodsource. Even from the least charitable standpoint, this is so. A parasite that kills its host kills themselves. From a most charitable standpoint, acknowledging that I am hardly a beast with no self control nor a mindless creature with only physical needs, individuals around me and my place in the society of this vessel and this community are things which I value and act to protect such as during the battle some weeks ago on the Narrenschiff and through my continued efforts at providing shields and acting as a ship's doctor.
[ Oh, you thought he was done? He is not done. ]
Further, the statement that I 'have no desire to change back' is factually inaccurate. I had no desire to change back while we were in a crisis situation as my body, previous to this transformation, would have put me at a distinct disadvantage. I have several standing health issues, including weaknesses and frailty, which would have endangered me more than being a vampire in a hostile situation, even with the problem of sunlight and daylight hour sleeping, especially considering the existence of allies willing to watch over me during those times and magical protections I had in place.
At the moment, I have no desire to change back as this is a standing experiment which is one of several possible solutions to a problem I have regarding my own mortality versus the immortality of my fiance and creation. I have deemed this experiment worthwhile in value because I have the means to continue in my current subspecies without causing harm or danger to any others of any species due to arrangements I have made. I am hardly a 'parasite', especially not in practice, and to simplify the relationship between my current subspecies and others as such as ignores the fact that vampires produce other vampires from the human population, making any human just as much a potential progeny as a potential meal, and your choice to designate it in such a way as if the members of such a species are not thinking, feeling individual people with the autonomy to make decisions which are harmful or beneficial to the greater collective is both bigotry and factually inaccurate foolishness cherrypicking whatever knowledge you've gained to confirm your bias.
[ A flat look. ]
And we haven't even gotten to the fact that none of this, not even one spec of it, in any way indicates that I have done or chosen or behaved in a way regarding you that warrants a lack of belief or trust in me. What it does say is that your emotions, your feelings, are so impactful that they supersede your ability to reason in ways that you will not and do not even realize until after, something which supports my assertions and decisions to try and make you examine said emotions to find the root of the issues that continue to keep you here.
In short: you're being a flaming jackass right now. And I do not deserve the treatment you've given me given the treatment, and the trust, that you have been given before, after, and during all of this. And I will not pretend for one more moment that it is appropriate because you can use a calm voice to do it.
[ A soft breath out. His voice is more gentle then. ]
If you need some time to process this, I would understand that, however.
There are some points he agrees with. Some he does not. He does not feel that Florian is not thinking or not feeling; he had labeled the relationship as parasitic. And it was a poor choice of words, given Florian's visceral reaction to it. But clearing that up feels moot at this point.
He knows he is biased. His species is first and foremost in his heart, even when others demand his loyalty or brains. Everything he does or will do will be for them, no matter what. Perhaps, he thinks, this is part of the reason he is an inmate here.
Back to Florian. He is resistant towards having his feelings examined, despite Florian's claim that it is the block behind graduation. Reason and emotion always went hand-in-hand for him, but he's been off-balance lately, out of sorts. Every time Thrawn has had chance to glance to Florian, he feels more predatory, like an animal waiting to pounce. Has he made a mistake in entrusting his file to this person, even prior to this change? He hadn't thought so then.
One of the troubles is the entire warden-inmate relationship to begin with: something Thrawn has struggled to define since his arrival. It is not a traditional superior-subordinate role: it is something far more nuanced and alive, a bond he's fought to understand. It changes rapidly. He had entered into this strange partnership under the belief that Florian would remain as he is and help guide Thrawn through a change; that Florian himself could shift was something he had not anticipated.
Biased again, yes. He almost smiles, thinking of Ar'alani. What would she think of Florian's declarations, he wonders? Perhaps Thrawn, like all Chiss, suffers from an overinflated opinion of his species. It would delight her to know that, he thinks.
But to the issue of Florian now. Where does he wish to go from here? He has always been aware of his flaw of fatal honesty. Thrawn prefers to act in silence, but that too has gotten Florian's ire up. He is ill-suited towards talking about emotions and feelings; this argument is one of the most difficult he's had in some time. Already he feels the boyish urge to crawl back into his studies, throw into his work.
And yet the 'work' here is graduation. A frustratingly ironic dilemma.
Perhaps it would be best to go along with all of this for now. He could appear humble. Apologize for his biases and the lack of trust, resolve to work with Florian, new vampire or no. Most of that is not even a lie.
Would he be believed? Florian knows many of his small tics. So he will play to those. He had not yet attempted manipulation. Why not try it, if he's going to be accused of it?
His eyes soften from their blazing red. He forces himself to think sorry, sorry. His jaw relaxes in severity as he nods, once]
Oh, it's an excellent performance. Florian is actually somewhat impressed since he's reasonably certain this is something that Thrawn avoids if at all possible. He's curious as to the reasons for this choice, and he's trying not to assume the worst from it. A warning shot, then. Right across the bow. ]
Oh?
[ Sell harder or backpeddle faster. He's curious which way Thrawn will go. ]
[A solemn look back. He knows not to overextend his hand; the burden is on Florian to prove otherwise. A lesson hard learned from guarding his thoughts from manipulative Force-users: force yourself to believe what you are saying.]
I am sorry. I will do my best to examine my personal biases and not allow it to affect my judgement in the future.
If we've come to the point where you attempt subterfuge with me over addressing matters of trust and difficulties in this relationship in earnest, then there's nothing much to discuss: you do not trust me and thus any time spent with me is a waste of your time.
I will compile a list of wardens I believe will potentially work well with you and will accommodate your speciesist requirements.
I would offer my word that what information I've become privy to will remain unspoken to my death but my word is, clearly, worth nothing to you. I will see if the Admiral is willing to remove the knowledge from my mind, and if not, will see what I can do in having it removed through my own means. I'll report to you back when and if I make any strides in that direction.
[ Those glassblue eyes are completely clear and completely empty, and he's never been so thankful that being a vampire makes his skin white enough that knuckles won't show. ]
Objections, questions, or arguments before I log off?
I fail to see how offering an apology is grounds for dismissal. Especially an apology for a speciest remark.
But I will abide by what my warden so chooses. If you feel I have been dishonest or that trust is broken forever, that is your prerogative to end this partnership. I, however, will not bear that burden of blame.
[Thrawn walks inside, gazing at Florian in a way that's difficult to tell what he's thinking. Likely a lot of thoughts; too many to settle straight. One emotion he's surprised he isn't feeling at the moment is fear.
Well, there is apprehension, certainly. Even after all this, he notes that Florian is still the best candidate for graduation there is. But the fear in him around his warden seems to have cooled off somewhat, in place of some of the same emptiness. He feels..hollow.
He takes 'his' seat, for lack of a better word. If this is going to be their last conversation as warden and inmate, he wishes to be present for it.]
I accept that you apologized because you did not intend to disrespect or hurt me with your choices. But I will not pretend that you are not also attempting obfuscation and lies of omission, I would guess regarding the extent to which you genuinely feel that your behavior has been unreasonable and what amount of discomfort you're feeling towards me and what you see as having changed in the relationship between us.
And like any physician, I cannot work with a patient who is lying to me, primarily for the sake of his own health. I... care... too much for you, and wish too greatly for your success, to potentially harm you because you are uncomfortable enough to avoid me, fail to seek assistance from me, or otherwise believe that the failing you seem to think I have in regards to character would calls my decisions into question.
So we are at an impasse: resolve this conflict, or dissolve the accord.
[ He swallows as he looks over at Thrawn. He does not look particularly young. He could. That, truly, would be manipulation. One of a dozen things he could do in this moment if he was inclined to it. He isn't. He does look... hurt. Frustrated. Torn in different directions. Those things are true, and he isn't hiding them. Thrawn should see the effect that his decisions have had on him so he can decide how to move forward. Vulnerability is hard but sometimes, must be shown. ]
That is... the last thing that I want. Truly. But I see no other way forward, at least not without progress made on resolution.
[He leans back in his chair, troubled. Florian appears genuine. He is also, by his own admittance, a master manipulator in his own right. The trust between them is a fragile thing; one wrong word can shatter it.
Thrawn knows he's not the best at words.
His eyes are dim; Florian can likely see his irises now.]
I am willing to do whatever it takes to resolve this.
Can you be specific, and as brutally honest as necessary, regarding your discomfort and concerns. Politeness or sparing my feelings will not get us through this.
[An eyebrow raise at 'brutally honest', but Thrawn nods]
Very well.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea that a species can transform into another species - or subspecies, as you said. Chiss are humanoid - it is believed we split off from humans as well. I have experienced apprehension around you and other vampires here, once it was clear to me that your genetic code had been rewritten and your diet summarily changed.
I have taken these last few weeks to research vampires. Everything I found has disturbed me. I could not take these concerns to you, because I did not know if you are compromised. Some sources indicate vampirism is a disease that rewrites the brain, where the affected will do or say anything to bring their prey closer. Others indicate that vampires will see other sentient species as beneath them - animals, or food only. Your recent talk of needing to get along with humans if only to protect your food source was also concerning.
You appear genuine. But so did many before you. I have been manipulated by others more clever with their words - each time led to massive loss of life.
I do not fear loss. Loss is a part of life and death, and a warrior has to know both before he makes the decision to pick up his weapon.
But I fear being irrevocably changed. I understand why you would wish to remain a vampire; I fear that if I am bitten, either accidentally or through an unforeseen attack, then I too will not wish to be changed back. I fear returning to my people in my changed state. I fear becoming one of the Grysk.
I look at you and I see no heartbeat, no heat signature. You appear like a walking corpse. It is difficult to see you and not see some creature manipulating your yet-to-decay body about. That is what I mean by parasitic.
That a species can transform into another species is not a fact which is my fault or even the fault of vampires on the whole: it is a fact that exists. To some degree, it exists in every species, as evolution is a scientific fact such that the creature birthed by one generation may be different to the next, albeit to a lesser degree. I realize that having that done so dramatically and quickly, and one member of a species turned from one being to another is disturbing and distressing as something you are unfamiliar with, but for me, that change was not as terrifying because I am familiar with such transformations via folklore within my own world and vampires whom I have associated with and with whom I am comfortable.
[ He does give Thrawn a very flat look. ]
I mentioned the point of food sources because you boiled things down to scientific essentials: parasites, prey creatures and predator creatures, etcetera. Even in the most uncharitable understanding of the relationship, ignoring who I am and who I have always been, that is the case, and given that you by your own telling do not trust that I am whom I have always been, I offered it as a practical and reasonable argument and not one which I personally believe or a framework I believe in on a personal level.
[ He rubs at his temple. ]
Thrawn, if I didn't respect you and your autonomy, do you think that this discussion would be difficult? As difficult as it is? [ A slight eyeroll. He's not trying to be flippant. This isn't pleasant. He's doing a steam release.] And your concerns regarding vampires seeing others as beneath them is somewhat rich coming from yourself and some of the political opinions held by your people regarding other species.
[ He shakes his head. ]
But I don't. I have seen what happens when one subspecies or species treats another as less than. I was the result of that treatment, the anger and the destruction I caused the result of that treatment. I will not perpetrate it again, on anyone.
[ A breath out. ]
Your research was difficult because different worlds have different vampires. It is also difficult as they are fictional in many universes. And even in those universes where they are not fictional, as in, they are made up and characterized for the creation of a story, they are often vilified for a variety of reasons. Many species of vampire can drink animal blood. Many species of vampire can feed and do as little harm to the source of their food as a blood donation would.
[ He runs a hand through his hair. ]
As for myself, no one has mentioned to me a difference in my behavior. No one has noticed anything other than that I am no longer in pain and that my sleep schedule has changed. But both my former warden, a being who could kill me easily in case of danger, and my roommate, a self-professed vampire slayer within his own world, have seen no warning signs they've mentioned to me. You are welcome to talk to either of them, however, as they have both known me for as long as anyone else here and are intimately familiar with vampires. They may be able to provide you the assurance that I, potentially compromised, cannot.
Baring that, you are welcome to contact Iris Wildthyme, my adopted aunt, or Sweeney, my adopted brother. Neither of them are fond of vampires as a rule, frankly, so their judgement should be somewhat neutral. Blitzø and I are in a relationship and have continued throughout my change; you can also consult with him.
I do. Which is why I am... hurt, more than I am angry. I would never ask you to put my emotional health over your safety. Or anyone's, for that matter.
[ He looks up to Thrawn. ]
I care for you. And greatly respect you. To lose that esteem for my biology was ... unpleasant, and brought to mind the cause of my own initial death in many ways, as well as other tragedies of my past. [Misunderstandings about mages had killed his entire family, after all. ] This is not a burden I expect you to bear, mind, but if you have wondered at the extremity of my response, it has little to do with being a vampire and much more to do with the depth of loss I felt as such.
My intelligence does not erase my... damage. And I have tried my best not to divorce my emotions from our dealings, as that is... dishonest, in my estimation.
I too had not realized that your reaction was entirely predictable based on your file. An oversight.
Let me be clear that I would not have reacted as such for any species. Someone who can transmit their intentions on another’s will always spark my own ire.
[he looks remarkably calmer now, even a bit amused]
I admit I have not heard that metaphor of my being your patient. Is that how you envision our relationship?
[ The power to supersede another's will is something he's had since he was 12, something he's used to survive. It is an ability he's always known to be careful with and one he'd only felt justified in using against enemies. He doesn't have any enemies here. ]
A teacher is hardly given a file. But a doctor? Always. It shapes the form of treatment and provides context for symptoms. The metaphor is hardly precise but it is the closest to the process I've found.
[ Especially since, in his estimation, so many here require healing in places they hadn't even recognized was damaged. ]
I do not feel ill or incomplete. Only anxious to return to help my people.
And yet I have made many connections here. I posed my initial request to solidify a friendship.
I admit I felt resentment. I am not seeking to isolate, ever. I have experienced isolation. Perhaps not to the depths of your own, but enough to know I would not willingly choose it.
My concern is never that you are seeking to delay your progress or even to intentionally isolate. I know better. Please understand that when I point things out to you, it is with the understanding that you are, at all times, seeking to be productive.
[A small sigh.]
It is that the means which you have found and learned over the years which have served you have disadvantages that you have lived with so long that you may not fully understand that they are changeable factors.
[ He looks to Thrawn. ]
When I speak of your isolation, I speak not of physical isolation or pointedly avoiding people. Instead, I am talking about your unwillingness to allow people past a certain depth of emotional penetration. Or...
[ He can't find the words to talk about this and decides, instead, to be direct. He keeps his tone gentle. ]
When you saw me, nearly dead, broken and insensate... what did you feel?
What you are speaking of is…very un-Chiss-like. My people thrive off of exploiting emotions. Even the smallest child learns to guard themselves carefully.
[his eyes go a bit hard at the memory. Not at Florian, but at the feeling of it]
I was not aware yet that the Admiral could collect us and resurrect his wardens once again. So I believed, erroneously, that those would be the last moments of your life.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ And oh, it is only a lifetime of loathing people privately that is keeping his tone and his face neutral. It's all he can do not to curl his spine, make himself look small and defenseless so he can jab a knife in their throat.
Instead, his tone is instructional. Lifeless, but neutral. ]
I have never been human. My parents were human but held the capacity to produce a member of the subspecies which is a more accurate title. 'Humans' cannot burn the inside out of a human body with nothing but a touch. 'Humans' cannot see creatures that exist on different levels of reality than our own. While our biology and physiology are similar, there is a portion of my brain that allows me to see and manipulate energy that a human cannot. It is this portion of the brain, found within the cognitive centers, which is destroyed by those in my world as an option other than execution.
I have shifted from one type of subspecies of human to another subspecies of human. Even then, I still retain my ability to manipulate energy accordingly and so it might be more accurate to place me as a third subspecies or a hybrid subspecies.
As for my 'desire to change back', I consider my shift in subspecies to have no bearing on my values, allegiances, or loyalties for both practical and logical reasons. The first being that as mentioned, I am a rare or hybrid species: if my loyalties existed purely on the basis of species, I would have no one to be loyal to. Second, there is no overwhelming cause or need to which being a mage or being a vampire can or should change the prioritization of my choices as these groups are not in outright conflict either superficially or in regards to resources, goals, or desires.
To a mage, other humans are just as vital in necessity as other humans are to a human. The same can be said of vampires, and it should be noted that human beings can and have subsisted on other human beings at various times in history either due to necessity or due to certain ritual practices. From a practical standpoint, a vampire's goal is the health and well being of humanity because that is their foodsource. Even from the least charitable standpoint, this is so. A parasite that kills its host kills themselves. From a most charitable standpoint, acknowledging that I am hardly a beast with no self control nor a mindless creature with only physical needs, individuals around me and my place in the society of this vessel and this community are things which I value and act to protect such as during the battle some weeks ago on the Narrenschiff and through my continued efforts at providing shields and acting as a ship's doctor.
[ Oh, you thought he was done? He is not done. ]
Further, the statement that I 'have no desire to change back' is factually inaccurate. I had no desire to change back while we were in a crisis situation as my body, previous to this transformation, would have put me at a distinct disadvantage. I have several standing health issues, including weaknesses and frailty, which would have endangered me more than being a vampire in a hostile situation, even with the problem of sunlight and daylight hour sleeping, especially considering the existence of allies willing to watch over me during those times and magical protections I had in place.
At the moment, I have no desire to change back as this is a standing experiment which is one of several possible solutions to a problem I have regarding my own mortality versus the immortality of my fiance and creation. I have deemed this experiment worthwhile in value because I have the means to continue in my current subspecies without causing harm or danger to any others of any species due to arrangements I have made. I am hardly a 'parasite', especially not in practice, and to simplify the relationship between my current subspecies and others as such as ignores the fact that vampires produce other vampires from the human population, making any human just as much a potential progeny as a potential meal, and your choice to designate it in such a way as if the members of such a species are not thinking, feeling individual people with the autonomy to make decisions which are harmful or beneficial to the greater collective is both bigotry and factually inaccurate foolishness cherrypicking whatever knowledge you've gained to confirm your bias.
[ A flat look. ]
And we haven't even gotten to the fact that none of this, not even one spec of it, in any way indicates that I have done or chosen or behaved in a way regarding you that warrants a lack of belief or trust in me. What it does say is that your emotions, your feelings, are so impactful that they supersede your ability to reason in ways that you will not and do not even realize until after, something which supports my assertions and decisions to try and make you examine said emotions to find the root of the issues that continue to keep you here.
In short: you're being a flaming jackass right now. And I do not deserve the treatment you've given me given the treatment, and the trust, that you have been given before, after, and during all of this. And I will not pretend for one more moment that it is appropriate because you can use a calm voice to do it.
[ A soft breath out. His voice is more gentle then. ]
If you need some time to process this, I would understand that, however.
no subject
There are some points he agrees with. Some he does not. He does not feel that Florian is not thinking or not feeling; he had labeled the relationship as parasitic. And it was a poor choice of words, given Florian's visceral reaction to it. But clearing that up feels moot at this point.
He knows he is biased. His species is first and foremost in his heart, even when others demand his loyalty or brains. Everything he does or will do will be for them, no matter what. Perhaps, he thinks, this is part of the reason he is an inmate here.
Back to Florian. He is resistant towards having his feelings examined, despite Florian's claim that it is the block behind graduation. Reason and emotion always went hand-in-hand for him, but he's been off-balance lately, out of sorts. Every time Thrawn has had chance to glance to Florian, he feels more predatory, like an animal waiting to pounce. Has he made a mistake in entrusting his file to this person, even prior to this change? He hadn't thought so then.
One of the troubles is the entire warden-inmate relationship to begin with: something Thrawn has struggled to define since his arrival. It is not a traditional superior-subordinate role: it is something far more nuanced and alive, a bond he's fought to understand. It changes rapidly. He had entered into this strange partnership under the belief that Florian would remain as he is and help guide Thrawn through a change; that Florian himself could shift was something he had not anticipated.
Biased again, yes. He almost smiles, thinking of Ar'alani. What would she think of Florian's declarations, he wonders? Perhaps Thrawn, like all Chiss, suffers from an overinflated opinion of his species. It would delight her to know that, he thinks.
But to the issue of Florian now. Where does he wish to go from here? He has always been aware of his flaw of fatal honesty. Thrawn prefers to act in silence, but that too has gotten Florian's ire up. He is ill-suited towards talking about emotions and feelings; this argument is one of the most difficult he's had in some time. Already he feels the boyish urge to crawl back into his studies, throw into his work.
And yet the 'work' here is graduation. A frustratingly ironic dilemma.
Perhaps it would be best to go along with all of this for now. He could appear humble. Apologize for his biases and the lack of trust, resolve to work with Florian, new vampire or no. Most of that is not even a lie.
Would he be believed? Florian knows many of his small tics. So he will play to those. He had not yet attempted manipulation. Why not try it, if he's going to be accused of it?
His eyes soften from their blazing red. He forces himself to think sorry, sorry. His jaw relaxes in severity as he nods, once]
I...would like to apologize.
You are correct. I have treated you poorly.
Thank you for your explanation.
no subject
Oh, it's an excellent performance. Florian is actually somewhat impressed since he's reasonably certain this is something that Thrawn avoids if at all possible. He's curious as to the reasons for this choice, and he's trying not to assume the worst from it. A warning shot, then. Right across the bow. ]
Oh?
[ Sell harder or backpeddle faster. He's curious which way Thrawn will go. ]
no subject
I am sorry. I will do my best to examine my personal biases and not allow it to affect my judgement in the future.
no subject
Right.
I'll see if the Admiral will reassign you, then.
[ He looks to the screen.]
If we've come to the point where you attempt subterfuge with me over addressing matters of trust and difficulties in this relationship in earnest, then there's nothing much to discuss: you do not trust me and thus any time spent with me is a waste of your time.
I will compile a list of wardens I believe will potentially work well with you and will accommodate your speciesist requirements.
I would offer my word that what information I've become privy to will remain unspoken to my death but my word is, clearly, worth nothing to you. I will see if the Admiral is willing to remove the knowledge from my mind, and if not, will see what I can do in having it removed through my own means. I'll report to you back when and if I make any strides in that direction.
[ Those glassblue eyes are completely clear and completely empty, and he's never been so thankful that being a vampire makes his skin white enough that knuckles won't show. ]
Objections, questions, or arguments before I log off?
no subject
But I will abide by what my warden so chooses. If you feel I have been dishonest or that trust is broken forever, that is your prerogative to end this partnership. I, however, will not bear that burden of blame.
[Softer now]
Do you wish me to beg to keep you?
I will.
no subject
I have never wanted you to beg.
[ A breath out, eyes closed. ]
I'd like to see you in person. Please.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Well, there is apprehension, certainly. Even after all this, he notes that Florian is still the best candidate for graduation there is. But the fear in him around his warden seems to have cooled off somewhat, in place of some of the same emptiness. He feels..hollow.
He takes 'his' seat, for lack of a better word. If this is going to be their last conversation as warden and inmate, he wishes to be present for it.]
no subject
And like any physician, I cannot work with a patient who is lying to me, primarily for the sake of his own health. I... care... too much for you, and wish too greatly for your success, to potentially harm you because you are uncomfortable enough to avoid me, fail to seek assistance from me, or otherwise believe that the failing you seem to think I have in regards to character would calls my decisions into question.
So we are at an impasse: resolve this conflict, or dissolve the accord.
[ He swallows as he looks over at Thrawn. He does not look particularly young. He could. That, truly, would be manipulation. One of a dozen things he could do in this moment if he was inclined to it. He isn't. He does look... hurt. Frustrated. Torn in different directions. Those things are true, and he isn't hiding them. Thrawn should see the effect that his decisions have had on him so he can decide how to move forward. Vulnerability is hard but sometimes, must be shown. ]
That is... the last thing that I want. Truly. But I see no other way forward, at least not without progress made on resolution.
no subject
Thrawn knows he's not the best at words.
His eyes are dim; Florian can likely see his irises now.]
I am willing to do whatever it takes to resolve this.
no subject
As am I.
[ A breath out. ]
Can you be specific, and as brutally honest as necessary, regarding your discomfort and concerns. Politeness or sparing my feelings will not get us through this.
no subject
Very well.
I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea that a species can transform into another species - or subspecies, as you said. Chiss are humanoid - it is believed we split off from humans as well. I have experienced apprehension around you and other vampires here, once it was clear to me that your genetic code had been rewritten and your diet summarily changed.
I have taken these last few weeks to research vampires. Everything I found has disturbed me. I could not take these concerns to you, because I did not know if you are compromised. Some sources indicate vampirism is a disease that rewrites the brain, where the affected will do or say anything to bring their prey closer. Others indicate that vampires will see other sentient species as beneath them - animals, or food only. Your recent talk of needing to get along with humans if only to protect your food source was also concerning.
You appear genuine. But so did many before you. I have been manipulated by others more clever with their words - each time led to massive loss of life.
I do not fear loss. Loss is a part of life and death, and a warrior has to know both before he makes the decision to pick up his weapon.
But I fear being irrevocably changed. I understand why you would wish to remain a vampire; I fear that if I am bitten, either accidentally or through an unforeseen attack, then I too will not wish to be changed back. I fear returning to my people in my changed state. I fear becoming one of the Grysk.
I look at you and I see no heartbeat, no heat signature. You appear like a walking corpse. It is difficult to see you and not see some creature manipulating your yet-to-decay body about. That is what I mean by parasitic.
How certain are you that you are you?
no subject
[ He does give Thrawn a very flat look. ]
I mentioned the point of food sources because you boiled things down to scientific essentials: parasites, prey creatures and predator creatures, etcetera. Even in the most uncharitable understanding of the relationship, ignoring who I am and who I have always been, that is the case, and given that you by your own telling do not trust that I am whom I have always been, I offered it as a practical and reasonable argument and not one which I personally believe or a framework I believe in on a personal level.
[ He rubs at his temple. ]
Thrawn, if I didn't respect you and your autonomy, do you think that this discussion would be difficult? As difficult as it is? [ A slight eyeroll. He's not trying to be flippant. This isn't pleasant. He's doing a steam release.] And your concerns regarding vampires seeing others as beneath them is somewhat rich coming from yourself and some of the political opinions held by your people regarding other species.
[ He shakes his head. ]
But I don't. I have seen what happens when one subspecies or species treats another as less than. I was the result of that treatment, the anger and the destruction I caused the result of that treatment. I will not perpetrate it again, on anyone.
[ A breath out. ]
Your research was difficult because different worlds have different vampires. It is also difficult as they are fictional in many universes. And even in those universes where they are not fictional, as in, they are made up and characterized for the creation of a story, they are often vilified for a variety of reasons. Many species of vampire can drink animal blood. Many species of vampire can feed and do as little harm to the source of their food as a blood donation would.
[ He runs a hand through his hair. ]
As for myself, no one has mentioned to me a difference in my behavior. No one has noticed anything other than that I am no longer in pain and that my sleep schedule has changed. But both my former warden, a being who could kill me easily in case of danger, and my roommate, a self-professed vampire slayer within his own world, have seen no warning signs they've mentioned to me. You are welcome to talk to either of them, however, as they have both known me for as long as anyone else here and are intimately familiar with vampires. They may be able to provide you the assurance that I, potentially compromised, cannot.
Baring that, you are welcome to contact Iris Wildthyme, my adopted aunt, or Sweeney, my adopted brother. Neither of them are fond of vampires as a rule, frankly, so their judgement should be somewhat neutral. Blitzø and I are in a relationship and have continued throughout my change; you can also consult with him.
no subject
But you understand why I had to check myself rather than with you.
I am biased. I apologize that you have felt the brunt of my excessive cautiousness, even paranoia. You are not the first.
I have misjudged and mistreated you, Florian.
no subject
[ He looks up to Thrawn. ]
I care for you. And greatly respect you. To lose that esteem for my biology was ... unpleasant, and brought to mind the cause of my own initial death in many ways, as well as other tragedies of my past. [Misunderstandings about mages had killed his entire family, after all. ] This is not a burden I expect you to bear, mind, but if you have wondered at the extremity of my response, it has little to do with being a vampire and much more to do with the depth of loss I felt as such.
My intelligence does not erase my... damage. And I have tried my best not to divorce my emotions from our dealings, as that is... dishonest, in my estimation.
no subject
Let me be clear that I would not have reacted as such for any species. Someone who can transmit their intentions on another’s will always spark my own ire.
[he looks remarkably calmer now, even a bit amused]
I admit I have not heard that metaphor of my being your patient. Is that how you envision our relationship?
no subject
A teacher is hardly given a file. But a doctor? Always. It shapes the form of treatment and provides context for symptoms. The metaphor is hardly precise but it is the closest to the process I've found.
[ Especially since, in his estimation, so many here require healing in places they hadn't even recognized was damaged. ]
no subject
I do not feel ill or incomplete. Only anxious to return to help my people.
And yet I have made many connections here. I posed my initial request to solidify a friendship.
I admit I felt resentment. I am not seeking to isolate, ever. I have experienced isolation. Perhaps not to the depths of your own, but enough to know I would not willingly choose it.
no subject
His tone is fond.]
My concern is never that you are seeking to delay your progress or even to intentionally isolate. I know better. Please understand that when I point things out to you, it is with the understanding that you are, at all times, seeking to be productive.
[A small sigh.]
It is that the means which you have found and learned over the years which have served you have disadvantages that you have lived with so long that you may not fully understand that they are changeable factors.
[ He looks to Thrawn. ]
When I speak of your isolation, I speak not of physical isolation or pointedly avoiding people. Instead, I am talking about your unwillingness to allow people past a certain depth of emotional penetration. Or...
[ He can't find the words to talk about this and decides, instead, to be direct. He keeps his tone gentle. ]
When you saw me, nearly dead, broken and insensate... what did you feel?
no subject
[his eyes go a bit hard at the memory. Not at Florian, but at the feeling of it]
Terror.
no subject
And why is that?
...I'm making no assumptions. I would prefer to hear from you.
no subject
no subject
And when you saw me again, changed?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
Re: cw suicide
lots of triggers in here: child death, plague, body horror, suicidal ideation
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)