Doctor Sheehan reports that his role is to provide a space of comfortable discussion of what I prefer when I am ready. He is of the opinion that if I understand myself better, I will gain clarity.
He asked me how I believed the ship would generally react to the alarms I set and whether it worked as planned. He stated that graduation should not be my goal or I would never achieve it.
He defined progress in upcoming sessions as small incremental changes that would make my life here more meaningful or manageable. He asked me to define progress in these areas to him.
He expressed that the purpose of these questions was to establish rapport. That if no rapport was established, we would end the sessions entirely.
He discussed his background as an army lieutenant who became interested in treating the criminally insane through art therapy. He says I am neither but that his skills with this subset will assist in accessing feelings in healthy ways.
You have assigned me a task with a penalty attached to it. I have no desire to experience that penalty. Therefore I will take the first option and my opinion ends there.
My answer is that I will obey you and Doctor Sheehan. I will work to be a consummate inmate and patient and give you no reason to enact further punishment.
[The last few weeks have seen Thrawn barely move from his cabin/office. He ventures out to take late night showers, to eat, to clock in at Maintenance, and then return.
He is in his office now when Florian comes searching]
[Normally prompt with answering - especially given the proximity alarm his door is equipped with - Thrawn does not answer in his usual speediness.
When he does, it's only because the proximity alert needed to chime twice to shake him from his thoughts. He rises, walking to the door on autopilot, and opens it to his warden.
His eyes are dull and muted, face wan and a paler blue than usual. There is a thinness in his frame where his clothing doesn't quite fit. Whatever sharp intelligence is quieted now, in place of a more anesthetized version. He doesn't move to admit Florian inside, speaking to him from the doorway]
I will not be of much use in a conversation at this time.
[ Florian will walk in and start looking around, use his nose to investigate the scents, his ears to check Thrawn's vitals. After a long moment, he'll take a seat.]
Nothing I insisted upon was intended as a punishment. I did it because I saw my previous paths only leading to stagnation and I hoped that the new path would provide you the tools you needed.
[Thrawn’s office tends to be its usual immaculate condition. He, however, has the faint aroma of the inmate shower’s soap on him, having repeatedly taken long showers for the desire to feel some external stimuli. His heart is beating erratically, though it’s debatable whether he notices: his breathing remains the same.
He returns to his own seat, settling hands on knees. There’s a slight jitter due to cutting coffee from his diet.
He watches Florian with a tired, unfocused gaze, propping his head up with a fist.]
Doing so without your proper, informed, and discussed agreement is not something that I enjoyed nor was it something I would have done had I not seen the situation spiraling into something that would be difficult to wrangle back under control had I not. Orders are not how I wish to proceed, nor are they what I believe to be conducive to this or really almost any relationship outside of strictly military matters.
[ He breathes out. ]
I will not say something so 'asinine' as 'you gave me no choice' because all of the choice was mine. However, what I will say is that you have consistently acted in a way that takes away viable alternatives and makes pursuing the paths I would prefer, in partnership and mutual agreement, impossible at current. And I say so having tried to pursue them as such for months on end and with numerous attempts.
Whatever frustration or disrespect or disregard I have no doubt made you feel, I will assure you that your actions have done the same to me well before now, and that is not an excuse for my choices. Only information I do not believe you had.
I come to you now because it is obvious that the current course is detrimental to your mental health and another course must be found. I will not cure the disease by killing the patient. In pursuit of that path, I would like your earnest feedback in whatever form you can provide it, even if it is so inelegant as shaking hands or a wordless scream.
I will repeat again that there is no wrong answer and that at no point and in no way do I wish or intend to punish you. If it has felt like a punishment, that is not something which I can control, only react to.
[Thrawn gazes at Florian, more tired than anything, his hand settling over his other to stop the slight jittering motion. He debates whether he has the mental capacity to do this, but perhaps he can go for a little while before it becomes too much]
You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?
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He asked me how I believed the ship would generally react to the alarms I set and whether it worked as planned. He stated that graduation should not be my goal or I would never achieve it.
He defined progress in upcoming sessions as small incremental changes that would make my life here more meaningful or manageable. He asked me to define progress in these areas to him.
He expressed that the purpose of these questions was to establish rapport. That if no rapport was established, we would end the sessions entirely.
He discussed his background as an army lieutenant who became interested in treating the criminally insane through art therapy. He says I am neither but that his skills with this subset will assist in accessing feelings in healthy ways.
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I do not think. I will abide and obey.
Have I done something else that needs correction?
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All the things I've asked and you pretend I don't want to hear.
I never thought you cruel. So now I have to figure out if you mean to be cruel or somehow can't add two and two to make four.
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When you decide, please inform me so I know which to apologize for.
[he hangs up]
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He is in his office now when Florian comes searching]
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When he does, it's only because the proximity alert needed to chime twice to shake him from his thoughts. He rises, walking to the door on autopilot, and opens it to his warden.
His eyes are dull and muted, face wan and a paler blue than usual. There is a thinness in his frame where his clothing doesn't quite fit. Whatever sharp intelligence is quieted now, in place of a more anesthetized version. He doesn't move to admit Florian inside, speaking to him from the doorway]
I will not be of much use in a conversation at this time.
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You have no need to be of "use", Thrawn. May I come in?
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Nothing I insisted upon was intended as a punishment. I did it because I saw my previous paths only leading to stagnation and I hoped that the new path would provide you the tools you needed.
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He returns to his own seat, settling hands on knees. There’s a slight jitter due to cutting coffee from his diet.
He watches Florian with a tired, unfocused gaze, propping his head up with a fist.]
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Doing so without your proper, informed, and discussed agreement is not something that I enjoyed nor was it something I would have done had I not seen the situation spiraling into something that would be difficult to wrangle back under control had I not. Orders are not how I wish to proceed, nor are they what I believe to be conducive to this or really almost any relationship outside of strictly military matters.
[ He breathes out. ]
I will not say something so 'asinine' as 'you gave me no choice' because all of the choice was mine. However, what I will say is that you have consistently acted in a way that takes away viable alternatives and makes pursuing the paths I would prefer, in partnership and mutual agreement, impossible at current. And I say so having tried to pursue them as such for months on end and with numerous attempts.
Whatever frustration or disrespect or disregard I have no doubt made you feel, I will assure you that your actions have done the same to me well before now, and that is not an excuse for my choices. Only information I do not believe you had.
I come to you now because it is obvious that the current course is detrimental to your mental health and another course must be found. I will not cure the disease by killing the patient. In pursuit of that path, I would like your earnest feedback in whatever form you can provide it, even if it is so inelegant as shaking hands or a wordless scream.
I will repeat again that there is no wrong answer and that at no point and in no way do I wish or intend to punish you. If it has felt like a punishment, that is not something which I can control, only react to.
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You think too highly of my capacity for higher emotional manipulation, Florian. I will select 'stupid' over 'cruel.'
Let us...recount the events of the last several weeks so that I can better understand how my actions have led to this conclusion.
I acknowledge my capacity to overstep and overplan for what I feel are natural steps towards safeguarding life on this ship to the detriment and wellbeing of others; I now acknowledge that this was in error for many reasons. I also understand that my authoritarian ways are primarily the reason I am here as an inmate, and that by acting without feedback or emotional capacity to think matters through from the perspective of those I have hurt, I have once again ruined the lives of those I consider close allies and friends.
You have told me I broke hearts through my actions. You tell me I must report to a doctor who treats the criminally insane and remove myself from all ship-related projects. I do not know what a therapist is or does, and still am not certain I grasp the concept despite asking Doctor Sheehan numerous times. I have not spoken to Aerith since that day, nor a number of people I once considered allies. Most of the rest have disappeared from this ship. I wonder if I was being humored, or if friendship means something different to me than it does to those here. In the time it normally will take me to decide an ally is trustworthy and dependent, they will have already left the ship. Yet I am asked to trust far too quickly for my comfort, and all too soon, I have committed an atrocity that breaks it regardless.
I ask you what tools this new path was meant to lead me to, if I ask for them directly and do not receive them? Do you understand that it is extremely difficult for me to speak like this? I am forever standing behind myself, questioning my words in the fear that I will offend or irritate or overstep. When I am reticent, I am being disrespectful and witholding: when I am open, I am being emotionally manipulative. You have told me to cease safe-guarding activities and focus on graduation: I received the opposite advice from Doctor Sheehan who has told me that a focus on graduation is an ill-advised path.
I feel placed inside of a trap where there is no winning. What am I to conclude? What am I missing?
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